Secrets
by Rese1986
Summary: Bella is the victim of an unspeakable crime. She choses to bear this burden alone. Will Bella keep her deepest darkest secret to herself or will she find the strength to reach out to her family and friends?
1. Chapter One: Wrong Place, Wrong Time

**Authors note: This first chapter is rough and it will only get slightly better as the story continues on. You've been forewarned.**

* * *

I sat on my bed as tears started to fall from my eyes. My shoulders slumped over and I gave in to the sobs that racked my body. Suddenly I felt myself becoming angry. Which only fueled my tears. I started ripping the clothes off my body as fast as I could. They lay in a pile on the floor that I would have to deal with later. For now I wanted to wash all traces of him from my body.

* * *

"Hey Jacob." I answered the telephone a little out of breath. I had been upstairs when it rang.

"Hey Bella!" His cheerful voice answered back. It reminded me of when times had been easier. Before he became a werewolf and my vampire friends had returned to town. He would always be my Jacob though. Even if he refused to get along with Edward.

"Are you free today? Or does your bloodsucker want to hold you hostage again?" He instantly turned into the bitter Jacob I had grown to hate.

"No Jacob I'm free. What's it to you?" I snapped back.

"Sorry Bells I can't seem to help myself." He sounded genuinely sorry and my heart softened a little.

"What's up Jacob?"

"I was just wondering if you wanted to come up to La Push. I thought we could ride the Motorcycles a bit. They need to be exercised every now and then to keep them running top notch." I couldn't tell if he was lying or not. I knew how much Jacob missed me and truth be told I missed him just as much. Edward would not be happy about this but he _had_ finally agreed to let me see Jacob. He'll just have to deal.

"I'd love to. It's been forever since I've been reckless." I felt myself smile and knew he could hear it in my voice.

"Awesome! I'll get them all ready. Meet me in the usual spot!" In his eagerness too see me again he hung up before actually saying goodbye. I couldn't help but laugh. Now came the hard part. I picked the phone back up and dialed a familiar number.

"Hello my love." Edward's lovely voice answered. I felt my breathing quicken at just the sound of his voice.

"Hey." I wanted to hit myself. Could I sound anymore pathetic?

"So I was wondering, well not really wondering actually, I'm telling you that I'm gonna go up to La Push and hang out with Jacob today." I spit it all out in one sentence figuring that was the best way before I lost my nerve.

"If that's what you want to do today I will be happy to give you a ride." Edward wouldn't deny me my friend anymore but you could hear the contempt in his voice.

"Actually I think I'd like to take my truck. I hate having to depend on you for a ride."

"Really Bella, I don't mind."

"I know but I do. I don't like feeling like a child in the middle of a custody battle." As I said the words I could feel myself becoming upset again. This little arrangement they had was absolutely ridiculous. I heard Edward sigh and knew I had won. This time.

"Alright as you wish. But please don't stay for too long. You know how crazy I get not knowing if you're safe or not." Edward pleaded. It was so hard to resist him but at the same time I did not need babysitting.

"Edward I am perfectly safe there. And you know it. Has time not proven that?"

"I know my love. But I will be counting the minutes till I see you again. Emmett and I might go hunting since you have other plans anyway."

"Oh ok. I guess that means you wont be staying over tonight then?" I asked feeling a little bit sad at the thought of having to sleep alone another night.

"If you want me to stay home Bella I will."

"No no please go hunt. Kill a grizzly for me." I smiled, glad Edward wasn't there to see the pain behind my smile.

"I love you forever." Edward said before hanging up.

"I love you forever and a day." I replied knowing he was already gone. I ran back up the stairs and threw my hair up into a messy pony tail before grabbing my purse and keys. I couldn't wait to see Jacob again and feel the wind as we raced through the back roads of La Push. I hopped in the truck half expecting to see Edward and to my surprise felt a little disappointed. I guess he really was going hunting today.

Excitement and adrenaline flowed through my body as I got closer to La Push. It was only 9 am but the roads were pretty deserted for a weekend. The weather probably had something to do with that. It was overcast and the clouds looked like they were going to wreak havoc at any moment. That never stopped us before though. Only added to the thrill of riding.

"Oh man." I groaned allowed. I was still a few miles away from where I was suppose to meet Jacob when I realized I needed to pee. Up the road a couple hundred feet was a run down convenience store. It would have to do. I pulled my roaring truck into the small lot and grabbed my key from the ignition. This wasn't my first time at this store and I knew exactly where the bathroom was located. It was around the back of the building still attached to the store but only accessible from the outside. There was only one bathroom, nothing designated for men or women. I knocked on the door and when no one answered I opened it. I was shocked to find a man standing in there washing his hands. Had he not heard me knock?

"Oh I'm so sorry! I knocked but no one answered." I started to close the door and felt my cheeks flush in embarrassment. The guy walked out a few seconds later and smiled at me. It made me a little uneasy but he stepped out of the way and I walked through the open door. I quickly pushed the door shut wanting to get in and lock it. I wasn't quick enough though. The man pushed the door open slamming me into the wall. He locked the door before turning to me.

"Well aren't you a pretty little thing." His accent made it obvious he wasn't from around here.

"Please don't hurt me. My purse is in my truck you can have whatever you want. You can even have my truck. It's a little old but it runs great." I was on the verge of hysterics.

"Whatever I want huh?" A smile crossed his face and he inched toward me. I immediately felt terrified knowing what it was exactly that he wanted. Me.

"It's been a lonely drive here. Come all the way from Texas. Things didn't work out though and I'm on my way back. Its such a long drive. A long ways to go with no decent women around." He moved closer yet and soon had me backed against the wall. His hand came up and stroked the side of my face. I wanted to scream, to run but knew both would be futile. His hot breath came in shallow bursts against my face. I hoped Edward would bust through that door at any moment and save me. Then I remembered Alice couldn't see me. With the werewolves around she couldn't see what was happening. I was on my own. Remembering everything I read I decided to let him do what he wanted and prayed he would leave me alone when he was done. However when he started to unbutton my jeans I started fighting with everything I had in me. I screamed and pushed him away with all my strength. As I had thought, it was futile. I felt a grubby hand cover my mouth and heard an angry voice as I fought back. I didn't focus on what he was saying. I closed my eyes fighting back the tears as the man continued his assault on my body.


	2. Chapter Two: Disgust

I lay crumpled on the floor of the bathroom for what seemed like hours. In the distance I heard the cell phone Edward gave me ringing. A part of me knew I should answer it. The other part of me was too disgusted to even move. His smell lingered everywhere. A mix of alcohol and cigar smoke. I had stopped crying long ago. I kept my face pressed to the filthy floor willing myself to just disappear.

Everything had gone horribly wrong. I was supposed to be riding my motorcycle right now with my best friend Jacob. We should be laughing as the adrenaline pumped through our bodies. Beyond that though, Edward was suppose to be my first. He refused to be with me while I was still a fragile human but I was working on that. I almost had him convinced. Now though I was thankful. Who would want me now? I was tainted. Damaged goods. I shuddered again in disgust. I didn't even want anything to do with myself. Fresh tears started to fall as I thought of Edward. I wasn't ready to let him go again. But once he found out, he'd want nothing to do with me. Could I blame him?

I heard my phone ring again. It sounded so far away. Like it was in another room completely. I forced myself to sit up and wiped the tears from my eyes. It was Jacob calling. I took another second to compose myself before answering.

"Hey Jacob." I answered not quite able to disguise the anguish I was feeling.

"Bella? Whats wrong? Where are you? I've been waiting for 3 hours! I was about ready to call Edward." I froze.

"No Jacob! Don't call Edward! Please!" I was nearly shouting but I couldn't stop myself.

"Ok Bells I wont. Jeez. Tell me whats going on? Its not like you to disappear like this." Jacob sounded genuinely worried. My heart broke. I couldn't tell him what had happened. I couldn't tell anyone. I quickly tried to come up with a good lie. Nothing would explain my disappearance though. It really wasn't like me. I fought back the tears as I knew what I had to do. I had to hurt him. If he found out the truth he wouldn't want anything to do with me anyway. Best to sever all ties now.

"I changed my mind Jacob. I didn't want to hang out with you today." I tried to sound cold, distant.

"Is this about your bloodsucker? Did he forbid you to see me?" I could hear the anger in his voice. I knew his body would be trembling on the verge of losing control.

"No Edward didn't care. I just had other things to do. I guess I should have called. Sorry about that." I knew I didn't sound like myself. But I wasn't me anymore. I was forever changed. The thought had me fighting back tears again.

"Listen Jacob I gotta go. I'll call you later." I hung up before he could answer. This time I didn't fight the tears. I let them flow and laid back down on the floor.

I should have walked away the second I became uneasy. Charlie was the chief of police! I knew better than to put myself in situations like this. I closed my eyes and instantly regretted it. His face was all I could see. I got up off the floor. I had to get out of here. My keys were in the corner by the door. I grabbed them and paused momentarily. What if he was out there still? Waiting for me... It was a chance I had to take. I couldn't hide out forever. Though I wished I could. I opened the door and quickly made my way to my truck. I kept my eyes glued to the ground. I didn't look up till I was in my truck. I quickly locked the door and shoved the key in the ignition. The engined roared to life and I jumped. Throwing the truck in reverse I peeled out of there. I drove like Edward now. Not caring about the speed limit or the possibility of crashing. I wished I would. Part of me wished he had killed me when he finished....

It took half as long for me to get back home. I was relieved when I saw the driveway empty. I didn't want to see anyone now. I didn't want anyone to see me. The house was exactly how I had left it. Yet it felt like everything had changed. It was eerily quiet, unnerving. I made my way up the stairs. I felt like I was no longer connected to my body. It continued moving up the stairs but I felt a million miles away. Before I knew it I was in my room. I shut the door and locked it behind me. My room was also how I left it. Feeling a little paranoid I walked over to my window and locked it. I pulled the curtains closed. As I stood alone in my room I was thankful Edward had gone hunting. He would know something happened if he saw me like this. I couldn't lose Edward again. He could never know what happened. Deep down I knew I should tell someone. That I should go to the hospital and be examined and tested. What would they ask me? They'd want the details of what happened. I wasn't sure I could relive that. Would they ask why I didn't fight harder? Why I was even there in the first place? Those were questions I was still struggling to answer myself.

I sat on my bed as tears started to fall from my eyes. My shoulders slumped over and I gave in to the sobs that racked my body. Suddenly I felt myself becoming angry. Which only fueled my tears. I started ripping the clothes off my body as fast as I could. They lay in a pile on the floor that I would have to deal with later. For now I wanted to wash all traces of him from my body. I walked to the bathroom completely naked. It's a good thing Charlie wasn't home. I was in a trance. It probably wouldn't have mattered even if he was. I turned the shower on as hot as it would go. It burned my skin but I didn't care. I wanted it to burn. To burn all traces of him... I started scrubbing as hard as I could. It wasn't hard enough. I started crying again. I just wanted him gone. I wanted to never think of this day again. My skin was turning red from the hot water and force of my scrubbing. Again I didn't care. I wanted to bleed.

The water started to get cold. Reluctantly I shut it off and stepped out of the shower. I grabbed my towel and wrapped it around my body. It had been almost an hour and I still felt dirty. The mirror was fogged. I wiped my hand across it. The person in the reflection looked like the same Bella who woke up this morning. But inside I was changed. That man took a part of me with him. I didn't know if I would ever be the same. Downstairs I heard Charlie coming into the house. I walked back to my room and started to get dressed. I threw on a pair of sweats and oversized t-shirt. Charlie was calling my name. The last thing I wanted was to see anyone but I didn't want him coming up here. I walked out and stood at the top of the stairs.

"I'm up here dad." I tried to sound somewhat normal. Of course I didn't quite pull it off.

"Bella? Whats wrong?" Charlie was instantly concerned and started making his way towards the stairs.

"No Dad it's ok I'm fine. I'm just not feeling well. I think I'm coming down with a cold or something." That might actually work. I was stuffed up from all the crying.

"Is there anything I can get you? I know I'm not a great cook but I could probably manage to heat up a can of soup." I remembered the last time Charlie tried to heat something up. Metal and microwaves do not mix. I could only imagine what he would do with a can of soup.

"It's ok really. I don't feel much like eating. Thanks though. I'm gonna go lay down." I didn't wait for a response as I headed back for my room. Charlie looked at me different. Like he knew what had happened. Maybe I was just imagining it. He couldn't possibly know. Could he?

I sat on the floor in the corner of my room. I felt a twinge of pain in my thigh. I pulled off my sweats and examined my leg. There was a large bruise forming on the inside of my right thigh where he had pried my legs apart. I shuddered again and pulled my legs into my chest. I wrapped my arms around myself tight.

There would be no sleep tonight. Every time I closed my eyes I knew what I would see. His face. His hands.... I could still feel him where he had run his hands over my body. I cried out when I heard a noise downstairs. It was just Charlie. He must be coming up to bed now. I waited for my body to relax but it wouldn't. It's like I was forever on alert now. Every noise no matter how innocent would have fear rushing through my veins again. I was starting to get sore from sitting on the floor for so long. With a sigh of defeat I got up and laid down on my bed. I pulled the covers up around me as tight as I could. I fought against the tiredness that threatened to pull me under. All the crying had left me exhausted. I blinked rapidly trying to keep myself awake. I was losing the battle. It would only be a matter of time before I was overcome with sleep. Where my nightmare would be relived.

* * *

I woke up in a cold sweat but thankfully not screaming like I had thought I would. That surely would've drawn Charlie's attention. I shivered and pulled the covers up. Why was it so cold in here? I shifted my body and came in contact with something hard. I jumped up and started screaming. Had he found me? Was he here to finish what he had started? Before I knew what was happening he had his hand over my mouth and was restraining me. But something wasn't right. He hadn't been this strong. I stopped screaming long enough to realize I recognized those arms. I turned and saw Edwards eyes, wide and confused. He probably thought I'd lost my mind. I heard Charlie moving in his room. Edward released me and disappeared just seconds before Charlie ran into my room.

"Bella? Whats wrong?" Charlie stood awkwardly in the middle of my room as I stared at him with wide eyes, still terrified.

"Just a bad dream." I whispered. He looked uncomfortable. I knew he was remembering all the times I woke up in the middle of the night screaming after Edward had left me.

"I'm sorry I didn't mean to wake you. Go back to sleep Dad." My voice was a little stronger now. Charlie nodded and left, closing the door behind him. I crawled into bed and tried to regain my composure. Edward would be coming back and I couldn't let him see me break down. I already had a lot of explaining to do. I jumped as he climbed back into bed next to me. I was expecting him this time so I managed to keep myself from screaming again.

"Shhh it's ok Bella. It's just me." Edward held me close and whispered in my ear. I always felt safe in his arms but not tonight. My body wouldn't relax. It was screaming against the contact. I forced myself to lie still but that's about all I could do.

"Are you ok?" Edward felt close. Too close. This didn't feel right.

"Yeah, just had a bad dream. Sorry to freak out on you like that." My voice shook with fear. I hoped he didn't notice. Or if he did, he would think I was still scared from my dream.

"It's ok Bella. I'm here now. You know I would never let anything happen to you." I fought against the tears that threatened to spill over again. Edward could never completely protect me. He couldn't always be there. This realization came crashing down like ton of bricks.

"Edward...I think you should go home tonight. I'm not feeling very good. I think maybe I'm coming down with a cold." It was a sad excuse. It's not like Edward could catch a cold even if I did have one. I could see the confusion on his face.

"If that's what you want Bella. I suppose my cold body doesn't exactly help things." I had hurt him. I could hear it in his voice. The old Bella wouldn't care if she was puking every five minutes. She would've wanted Edward with her. But this was a new Bella.

"I'm sorry..." Its all I could manage pathetic as it was.

"Don't be love." Edward bent his head towards mine and kissed me gently. I wanted to kiss him back. I wanted to want to kiss him back. But my body wasn't ready for this. He pulled away and whispered good night before disappearing out the window. I wondered how he had gotten in. Didn't I lock the window?

I let myself break down now. My body shivered not from cold but fear. The look in Edward's eyes haunted me. I had hurt him. Unintentionally, but I had caused him pain. I was doing every thing wrong lately. How many more people had to suffer because of me? I curled up into a fetal position and cried myself back to sleep. Only this time it was Edward I would dream of.


	3. Chapter Three: Monday

**Authors note: I tend to be hard on myself but this chapter really is not as good as I'd like. I apologize in advance.**

* * *

Monday morning came much too fast. I lay in bed contemplating ways I could get out of going. Charlie thought I was sick. Maybe I could play that up a little more. I sighed. It was senior year. I had to go. The thought made me queasy. Could I pull off another facade? It would have to be alot better than when Edward had left. Or else I'd have him asking too many questions as well. I pulled the covers over my head and groaned. School seemed so pointless. I still planned on becoming a vampire. I would have many other opportunities to graduate why was this one such a big deal? I still had to work on my reaction to Edward. If I kept pulling away from his every touch he would start to think something was wrong. Which it was. Everything was wrong. But Edward would think it was him. I couldn't bear to see him hurt again. I was going to see him today one way or another. Either at school or if I didn't show up he'd be over here in an instant to check on me. I threw the covers off me. May as well go to school.

It took me less than five minutes to get ready. I didn't shower or do anything special. I just threw on my clothes. I didn't even pay attention to whether or not they were wrinkled. It wouldn't have mattered anyway. I stopped momentarily at the entrance to the kitchen. It had been almost two days since I'd eaten anything. I hadn't had much of an appetite. Today was no different. I grabbed my backpack and headed out to my truck. It was raining, big surprise, but I didn't pay much attention. I was nearly soaked by the time I got in my truck. I rested my head against the steering wheel trying to mentally prepare myself for the day ahead of me. It wasn't possible though. With a sigh of resignation I started the engine and drove off to what felt like my first day of school.

I realized as I pulled into a parking space that I was running a little late. The sidewalks were nearly empty and the few people left started to run off to their first class. Edward leaned against the Volvo casually. He must be waiting for me. I quickly hopped out of the truck and ran to meet him. We were definitely going to be late to class. I felt guilty.

"I'm sorry Edward. I know I'm late."

"Its ok Bella. I wasn't in a hurry to get to Calculus anyway." He grinned at me but I could see the concern in his eyes. My body fought me as I leaned forward and kissed him gently on the lips. He responded and pulled me closer to him. It took everything in me not to pull away from him. A kiss I could handle. But this full body contact had me screaming inside. I fought against the tears that threatened to fall. Edward seemed to sense that I wasn't reacting to him the way I usually did. He pulled away and I saw the hurt flash across his face. I felt a stab of pain in my chest. Why couldn't I stop hurting him? Was it so hard to just relax and give myself to him? Even if my body was fighting against it, I was stronger than that. I could handle a few seconds of body contact couldn't I? If it meant not having to see that pain on Edwards beautiful face ever again.

"We should get to class." Edward reached slowly for my hand and when I took it he seemed to relax a little. We headed off to class.

* * *

By lunchtime I was ready to go home. I couldn't stand much more of these people. Everyone was so happy. They were carrying on about their day as if nothing in the world was wrong. Maybe it wasn't. Maybe it was just my world that was turned upside down. I sat down at our usual table but on the far end, away from Mike and Angela. I wasn't in the mood to socialize with anyone. Edward joined me a few moments later.

"Are you ok Bella? You're very quiet today." Edward stared at me from across the table. I didn't even want to be looked at anymore let alone stared at. I took a deep breath in.

"I'm just not feeling well. This cold is taking longer to shake than I had hoped." I knew I wasn't a good liar but I hoped in this instance I was good enough. I just had to be somewhat convincing.

"Maybe you should leave early today and get some rest." Edward was cautious but concerned. I knew he didn't really believe me but wouldn't push me until I was ready to tell him what was really going on. That might be never.

"Yeah maybe." I stared at the salad I had gotten. My appetite had yet to return but I was trying to keep up appearances. I had no desire to eat and honestly I wasn't even hungry.

In this moment, death seemed like a better option. I looked at Edward and the look on his face reminded me why I kept breathing. I couldn't do that to him. It wasn't his fault what happened. I wished so badly that I could tell him. Would he understand? Maybe he wouldn't leave me. Maybe I was underestimating him. But could I risk that just so I didn't have to pretend everything was ok? Nothing would change except him knowing. Everyone knowing. Why should I bring everyone else down with me? It would be selfish. This battle within myself was taking its toll. I was truly exhausted. And I didn't know how much longer I could keep up this charade.

"I think I'm going to skip the rest of the day. I really could use the rest." I pushed my fork around the plate avoiding Edward's eyes. I knew eventually I would have to tell him. I was dreading that day though. How do you tell someone you love with every part of your being, that the reason you've been pulling away from them is because you let someone else violate your body? I was weak and I knew this whole thing was my fault. Everything that happened now couldn't be blamed on anyone but myself.

"Would you like me to drive you home?" I could feel Edward's eyes on me. I risked a glance up and immediately regretted it. You could see the tortured look on his face though he tried to disguise it. Maybe it would be best if I stayed away from him as much as possible till I got myself together a little bit.

"No that's ok. I think I can manage to get home by myself." I started to gather my things. I just wanted to get out of there. Edward carefully took my tray from me.

"Let me get that love. You go on and go get some rest. I'll stop by later to check on you." With that he kissed me gently on the forehead and left to get rid of my uneaten lunch. I quickly grabbed my bag and headed for the parking lot. I couldn't deal with anymore interaction right now. Knowing he would be coming by later had me panicking slightly. _'Pull yourself together Bella!'_ I chided myself. This was getting to be ridiculous. I was stronger than this. Edward deserved better. Of course I'd always known that. I don't know what he ever saw in me to begin with.

I made it home in record time and I was thankful that Charlie worked so much. I would have the house to myself. Part of me was freaking out. Every little noise would have me on edge. But the time alone would be nice. I needed to gather myself and my thoughts before Edward came over. I only had a few hours.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw the pile of clothes I had left just a few days earlier. I had yet to dispose of them. Looking at them everyday didn't exactly help things but I couldn't bring myself to even touch them. I knew they would smell like him. Deciding it was time to finally get rid of the last thing physically connecting me to this man I got up from my bed and picked up the pile of clothes. I cringed inside as I headed downstairs.

We only had one trash bag left and I felt guilty using it but I needed to dispose of these clothes. I didn't need any visual reminders of my attack. Once they were outside in the trash can I felt like a burden had been lifted from my shoulders. It was amazing how such a small thing could really make such a big difference. I headed back inside a little more confident that I could make it through this evening with Edward. I heard a knock on the front door. Fear coursed through my veins. The knock became more insistent. I walked over and opened the door. To my surprise it was Alice. With a look on her face that I'd recognize anywhere. She knew.


	4. Chapter Four: Alice

**Authors note: I'm sorry this chapter is very short and it's been awhile since I updated. I've been having a bit of writers block. Mainly because I almost have to be in a dark place to write this. I hope this update, albeit short, will keep you satisfied till I can get the next chapter written. Thanks for reading and reviewing. =)**

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We sat on opposite ends of the couch both staring at nothing in particular. I didn't know what to say and Alice herself seemed to be speechless. My stomach was in knots. I had been hoping to avoid ever telling anyone, but apparently my mind had other plans. Alice had a vision of me telling Edward what had happened. It must have been that thought in the cafeteria, about knowing I'd have to tell him someday. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

"Did you...tell _him_?" I asked not really wanting to know the answer.

"No. I didn't say anything to anyone. I just...Bella why didn't _you _tell anyone?" Alice looked at me now and I knew if she were capable of crying she would have had tears running down her face. The look tortured me. I didn't expect this. What was this exactly? Sympathy?

"I don't know." It was an honest response. One I was constantly asking myself. I didn't have to tell Edward what happened. But couldn't I at least confide in my own father? He was the chief of police. If I could trust anyone, it would be him.

"Does Charlie know?" I looked back up startled. I had forgotten I wasn't alone.

"No." I could only imagine the look she was giving me but I didn't want to see it. I got off the couch and went to the kitchen. Eating wasn't exactly a priority right now but I knew I needed to at least drink something.

"Bella, we should go to the police, to Charlie. You need to report this. Maybe they can still find the guy who..who did this to you."

"There's nothing to tell Alice." It came out sounding harsher than I had intended.

"I let my guard down for a moment. I was weak. This whole thing, its all my fault." I softened my voice some, but I was not reporting this now. I had worked too hard to keep it a secret. Suddenly I realized it had only been 3 days. It seemed like another lifetime. How much longer could I really keep this a secret?

"Oh Bella. This is not your fault!" Alice shrieked, and before I knew it she had flung herself at me and was holding me tightly. My entire body froze. Fear coursed through my veins and my heart pounded so loud I was sure the neighbors could hear it. I felt myself shaking and my breath came hard and fast. Alice pulled away and looked at me horrified.

"I'm so sorry. I had...I had no idea." She took a few more steps back and I struggled to calm myself down. My breathing was still rapid and I was still visibly shaking but I gained enough control to finally say something.

"It's ok. Sudden movements just...they..." I trailed off not quite sure how to explain. Alice finally seemed to understand just how bad this was.

"If you wish to continue to keep this a secret, I will not betray your trust Bella. Especially since you didn't exactly tell me. I'm here for you though. You don't need to suffer in silence anymore. You are not alone."

I could feel the tears threatening to fall but brushed them away quickly.

"I'm not ready for Edward to know Alice. But he can read your mind. How are you suppose to keep this from him?" I felt terrified again but for a different reason.

"Don't worry about it. I'll find a way. I can think of other things when I'm around him. Maybe Jasper and I could take a little vacation. Unless you want me to stay near of course. Like I said, I'm here for you."

"No. I'm not ready to talk about this. I don't _want _to talk about this. Damn you and your ability to see the future!" I stormed off to my room angrily. I don't know what had provoked this sudden outburst. Still, I couldn't bring myself to feel guilty. I should though, shouldn't I? I considered Alice one of my best friends. She didn't deserve to be treated that way. Deep down I knew she didn't ask for her ability either. I tried to imagine what it would be like to randomly see things that were going to happen. Intimate or frightening things to friends or family. And knowing sometimes you couldn't do anything about it, anything to stop it. No. I couldn't even begin to imagine what that must be like.

A quick glance at the clock told me I still had an hour before Edward would be here. All I wanted to do was go to sleep and never wake up. I knew that wasn't an option though so I settled for a nap. My last thought before drifting off to sleep was how much I used to look forward to Edward coming over. How I used to want to spend every waking moment with him, and even the moments I was sleeping. My life had changed drastically in the course of a few hours. And I didn't know if it would ever be the same again.


	5. Chapter Five: Fifteen Pounds

**Authors note: This is not my best chapter, not by a mile. But at least its an update. Enjoy! I hope...**

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6 days, 8 hours, and 23 minutes. That's how long it's been since I was raped. I thought every day, things would get a little easier but they haven't. I continued to hurt Edward. My body just wouldn't relax when I was near him, let alone when he tried to hold me. Every day I see that pain flash across his beautiful face I hate myself even more.

Alice had kept her promise though. That night after my angry outburst, she went home and talked Jasper into taking a vacation. I haven't heard from her since. I knew I had hurt her. At the time I didn't care. I just wanted to be left alone. But now…Sometimes I wish I had someone I could confide in.

Edward had stopped coming over a few nights ago. He always said he would never leave me again unless I didn't want to be with him anymore. I still wanted Edward. With every fiber of my being. But I knew my actions were saying otherwise. It kills me inside, knowing what he must be thinking. I imagine my behavior must be very similar to what I went through before Edward left me. I felt a tear roll down my cheek. I didn't want him to suffer. Not because of me. Maybe I should just let him go. It couldn't be any worse than what I've put him through every day since the attack. A clean break might end his suffering. Or he could blame himself for ever leaving me in the first place. I wouldn't want him to head off to Italy again. The thought sent a surge of pain through my chest.

No. I would stay with Edward for now. But I need to find a way to get over this and fast. Maybe if I tried to spend more time around people I would get used to having that contact. Even if it wasn't direct. It's a Friday night; I bet Angela would be willing to go out. Have a girl's night. I've been avoiding her too. I could see the concerned looks she gave me whenever we passed each other in the hall. I picked up the phone and dialed her number. It felt like forever since I've called anyone.

"Hey Angela. It's Bella." There was a pause on the other end, like she didn't quite believe it was actually me calling.

"Bella. Hey. What's going on?" Her voice was laced with concern. I felt bad yet again. I was hurting everyone. I didn't think it was possible to hate myself anymore than I already did. I was wrong.

"I was just wondering if you wanted to hang out tonight. Maybe go to Port Angeles and catch a movie…" I trailed off waiting for her answer. Conflicted between wanting her to say yes and wanting her to be busy.

"Yeah that would be great. I could use a night out away from Ben. He's driving me crazy with all these movies he's into, insisting I watch them all. I can't stand another one, not tonight at least."

"Great. How about I pick you up in an hour?"

"Sure, sounds good. I'll see you then."

"Bye."

I hung up slightly relieved, but mostly nervous. It's not like Angela would be trying to hold me or anything. But being near people made me uneasy. I always felt like they were looking at me with disgust. Deep down I knew this was ridiculous. But I couldn't stop feeling like everyone was judging me.

I took a quick shower and then looked through my closet for something to wear. I grabbed what used to be my favorite pair of jeans and a plain t-shirt. These days I didn't really care what I looked like. It took a lot of effort just to shower and comb my hair. I put on my pants and stopped. They were very loose. I turned towards the mirror. I had always been thin but looking at my reflection…I could see the outline of my ribs. My pants were on the verge of falling down. I took them off and stood there examining myself. My hip bone was more noticeable. My collar bone stood out next to my bony shoulders. My face looked thinner and I had dark circles under my eyes. I wondered when the last time I had anything to eat was. I couldn't remember. Had I even eaten since that dreadful day?

I thought back on the past week. I couldn't remember even picking up an apple. It's only been six days though. Surely that couldn't have such an effect. I threw on my robe and walked into the bathroom. Shutting the door I left the robe fall. I stepped on the scale that sat across from the toilet next to the sink. Shocked, I took a step backward, nearly tripping in the process. I'd lost 15 lbs. Was that really possible? To lose that much weight in one week? Not even a week. 6 days. I stared at myself in the bathroom mirror. How had I not noticed how horrible I looked? Or how loose my pants were becoming? Was I that out of it? The thought scared me a little bit.

Despite my appearance, I still had no desire to eat anything. I knew I should. Maybe I was just punishing myself. It didn't matter why. I had no plans to eat anything anytime soon. I'd have to invest in some smaller jeans before anyone noticed. Or my pants fell down in public. For tonight I would have to wear a belt. I was surprised though to find even that didn't fit. I grabbed a knife from the kitchen and cut a new hole. It would work for now. Throwing on another shirt and sweatshirt, to hide my body, I was finally ready to leave. I was only a few minutes late picking up Angela. She didn't mind of course.

The evening went by slowly. I was counting the minutes till the movie would be over. I let Angela pick since I knew I wouldn't be watching anyways. The theater was packed. My body was so on edge my muscles were starting to hurt. I could see people moving out of the corner of my eye. I was paranoid, I knew this. I didn't know how bad it would be. Suddenly laying in bed in Edwards arms didn't sound so bad. I would at least be safe there. Angela wanted to get something to eat afterwards but I lied and said I was feeling sick.

Finally home, I leaned against the front door after shutting and locking it. Charlie was already in bed. I could him snoring all the way downstairs. I hung my parka up on the hooks in the entry way before heading upstairs. I flicked on my light as I began to undress. I turned away from the mirror not wanting to look at myself anymore. I started to scream when I saw a figure standing in the corner. I realized it was just Edward and stopped myself. He stood there with wide eyes, horrified. I quickly covered myself up. I wasn't sure if he didn't like the way I looked half naked or if he was horrified by how bony I had become. I was almost hoping for the first option.

"Oh my god, Bella. What…" He trailed off, speechless. I couldn't look at him. Reluctantly I turned around facing the mirror. I could see Edward still standing in the corner with a look I'd never seen on his face. He snapped out of it and I saw him start walking towards me. I turned around and willed my body to not freak out at his closeness. Edward took me in his arms and held me close to him. There were no words spoken. I wanted to pull away. I was holding my breath praying he would release me. I managed to get through his embrace this time. Edward pulled back and searched my eyes for answers. Answers he knew I wouldn't give. The look on his face broke my heart and I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't keep hurting him. It was selfish of me to keep him around when obviously I couldn't handle this closeness. I took a deep breath and muttered the words I never thought I'd hear come from my mouth.

"Edward, I can't do this anymore. It's over. We're over."

His face fell as the realization of what I was saying finally hit him. Within seconds, faster than my eyes could even see, he was gone. I fell to my knees, gasping for air, as tears streamed down my face.


	6. Chapter Six: The Beginning of an End

**EDWARD'S POV**

I don't know what happened. Was it something I did? I should've made her talk to me sooner, tell me what was going on. I could see how tortured she was. I put my head in my hands as I sat outside her window. It reminded me of the night I decided I couldn't stay away from her any longer. Before I knew my life would forever be changed. I looked up again and watched as my only love lay crippled on the floor. I could see how much this was hurting her. I only hoped she wasn't worried about me. I could accept this decision. I wouldn't run away again though. Bella was still my life. Even if she wasn't a part of it. I would do everything I could to make sure she stayed safe. I hesitated for a moment before jumping down. I took one last look at the house I had spent every night for the last year.

The next day I dressed for school despondently. With the support of my family, I decided to stay in school. It would look badly for us if I just disappeared. I debated between changing my schedule and just staying in all my classes with Bella. I could always just sit in a different seat. For today I decided to see how things went. If it was too difficult for her I would transfer out. However as the final bell rang for class I realized Bella would not be at school today. I fought the urge to go over and check on her. I knew if she was in any real danger Alice would have foreseen it. Would Alice call though? Could she see Bella wherever she was at? I still didn't understand her reasons for needing a vacation. Though in the past they've brought me grief, now more than ever I longed for her visions.

"Hey Edward." I looked up to find Angela sitting down across from me in the cafeteria. I had purposefully sat away from the usual group but that didn't seem to deter her.

"Hello." I remained polite. I had no ill feelings toward her. She was still one of Bella's closest friends.

"Where's Bella?" You could hear the concern in her voice.

"I'm not sure." I didn't know if I should say anymore. If I should tell her Bella and I were no longer.

"You're not sure?" She eyed me skeptically. It was no secret how close Bella and I had become.

"Actually, Angela, Bella broke up with me last night. I'm really not sure where she is today." I couldn't help the anguish that flowed through every word.

"Wow." She stared at me for what seemed like an eternity not even trying to cover the shock on her face.

"Yeah." There didn't seem to be any words. We both sat silently throughout the rest of lunch. For once I wasn't the only one not eating.

I fought the urge to check on her all night long. The only thing pushing me to go to school the next day was the thought that Bella might be there. It seemed like forever since I last saw her face. I had to remember to walk at a human pace all the way to class. It seemed to take twice as long as usual. I felt my face fall as I saw her seat was once again empty. I couldn't do it today. I was hurting too bad. Without a word I turned around and headed back to my car. I won't go check on her, no. But I had to get out of here. I drove back to our house. Esme gave me a puzzled look as I walked inside.

"Edward? What's wrong?" She was at my side in an instant. I knew she was the most worried about this break up. For years Esme thought I would always be alone. There was no doubt in my mind that I would be. Until I met Bella that is. I sighed out loud as I thought about her. It wasn't just her blood that was a drug to me. I found myself craving her very presence. Somehow her leaving me hurt worse than when I left her. Almost as bad as when I thought she was dead. But no, this was different. _She_ didn't want _me_ anymore. I cringed.

"Oh Edward!" Esme had her arms around me at once. I didn't remember my real parents at all but Esme was everything one could possibly want in a mother. I embraced her half heartedly before running up to my room. I needed distractions. I glanced around the room feverishly. Music. That always works. I quickly pushed play not caring what was in my CD player. I just needed noise. Something to drown out my own thoughts. However I instantly regretted it. My room was filled with the soft melody of Clair de Lune. For the first time in a hundred years I found myself wishing I could cry. I walked slowly to the window overlooking the stream. Deep down I knew the pain I was feeling was my own fault. I never should've left her. Or maybe I shouldn't ever have come back. Clearly that's what she wanted after all. To be left alone….

I stood there by the window all night long as Clair de Lune repeated itself over and over again. Time passed too slowly yet much too fast. I was content to stay there even longer but I knew I would go to school. I couldn't help the longing in my heart, the hope that Bella would be there. It was like gravity. I couldn't have stayed away even if I really wanted to. As I sat there in class waiting to see her face yet again I started to become anxious, fearful. She would never miss this much school. Not in her senior year. This wasn't like Bella. Maybe she just didn't want to be near me anymore. For all I knew she could've moved back to Jacksonville to be with her mom. My hopes were crushed yet again when the final bell rang. I didn't leave this time. I made my way through each class not even bothering to pay attention. It wasn't really anything I hadn't heard before. Repeating high school every 4 to 6 years had its advantages.

I skipped out of the cafeteria this time. I didn't want to have to face Angela again and without even Alice it seemed pointless to go in there. I decided to cut the rest of my classes as well. _'A quick look wouldn't hurt. Just to make sure she was ok. Find out if she was still in Forks.' _I tried to rationalize with myself reasons to go over to Bella's house. I didn't need to speak to her. I just had to know if she was ok. What could it hurt?

I nearly ran all the way to her house but decided it would be wise not to leave my car in the parking lot at school. I dropped the car off at home. I needed to stay inconspicuous and too many people knew my car. It would've been a dead giveaway. My body wanted to run as fast as it could, the sooner to see her face. However my mind was terrified. I shouldn't be doing this. She wanted her space. I was going to respect that. But how was I supposed to keep her safe if I didn't ever check on her? I picked up the pace.

It only took me a few minutes to reach her house. Charlie's cruiser was sitting out front. This alerted me. He never missed worked. I jumped up the tree and peered into Bella's room trying to stay out of view. Charlie was standing next to her bed with a tray of food. It looked like he was trying to get her to eat something. I remembered the last time I'd seen her. All the bones sticking out…She'd always been slim but I could tell she had lost weight. She couldn't have weighed more than 115 lbs when I first met her. How much weight could she possibly lose? I hoped this wasn't one of those ridiculous self esteem issues girls these days seemed to have. Bella had always been perfect just the way she was.

I couldn't tell what Bella was doing but she seemed to be refusing the food. Charlie hung his head and slowly left the room. I got a quick look at him as he turned around and looked in at Bella. His face looked haggard. He had dark circles under his eyes and his mouth seemed to be pulled into a permanent frown. I'd never seen the chief look like this before. I tore my eyes away from him and finally saw her. If I didn't have such good reflexes I might've fallen out of the tree. '_Oh Bella, my sweet Bella.'_ Her face was so pale she could've passed as a vampire. It looked like she had lost more weight. As sick as she looked what bothered me the most was the dead look she had in her eyes. It wasn't the tortured look I'd seen on her face the last couple weeks. No this was worse. It was the face of someone who had given up. My still heart broke. Something was very wrong. I didn't want to believe I had done this to her. What explanation was there though? The last time I saw her before this sudden change was the morning before she went to see Jacob….A growl rumbled deep in my chest. Of course. That mongrel...

I jumped down and tried to gain control of myself. I didn't know for sure if Jacob had done anything. It would be stupid to break the treaty over a guess. I turned around and headed to woods running as fast as I could and far away from Forks.


End file.
